The Jokes Thread

[russellb]

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

-Because they are all ugly and they stink.

I find it infinitely disappointing that I actually laughed at that.

Yeah, some of my jokes are quite tasteless. But I know you loved it.

[Rox]

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said,

Husband: I cannot possibly be the father of that revolting child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,

Husband: Have you been fooling around on me?

His wife confessed,

Wife: Not this time.

[russellb]

How come pubic hair is all curly and not straight?

-So that it doesn't poke you in the eye.

[AnaBBarrosFan]

Lame Joke FTW:

Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, and Hugh Downs are walking down Madison Avenue and pass by a florist shop. As they walk by, the store's Korean proprietor runs out in a panic carrying a fire extinguisher. In broken English, he tells the three newsmen that a small fire had just broken out in the backroom & that his English wasn't good enough for him to read the instructions for the extinguisher's usage. Messrs. Rather and Brokaw couldn't exactly remember how fire extinguishers worked and were equally confused. At this point, Mr. Downs grabbed the fire extinguisher, pulled the pin, and quickly put out the fire before any real real damage could occur...proving once and for all, that Hugh--and only Hugh--can prevent florist fires!

[Sweet Lu]

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

[Qball]

^Wow, quite a philosophical one.

You know why women have a nasal septum?

[Qball]

Kevin Wabes

presents

THE EPIDEMIC

Recently, a really strange phenomenon can be noticed on the streets of Lodz...

Experts cannot explain it...

It happened suddenly!

College students of Lodz - as the only ones in Poland - started to take joy in the ongoing end-of-term examinations!

The phenomenon cannot be explained.

The good-mood epidemic has been spreading at an amazing rate!

The students in Lodz feel an undescribable joy due to the following examinations!

Nobody can prevent it!

The youthful euphoria starts to affect other residents!

The only ones of their kinds...

THE YOUTH IN LODZ

[Gonzalez Girl]

a commander was reading his report to 100 soldiers . Suddenly someone sneezed.

The commander said: "Who sneezed?"

No one answered .. he divided the 100 soldiers to 50 on the right, 50 on the left .. he asked the 50 on the right again " Who sneezed? "

No one answered he shoot them all .. then divided the 50 on the left to 25 on the right, 25 on the left and asked the right " Who sneezed ?"

No one answered he shoot them all .. then he asked the 25 soldier left one bye one .. till the last one said: "It was me sir"

The Commander leaned forward: "Bless you!"

[eNe]

Kid: Dad, does internet make us stupid?

Dad: I don't know son. Let me google it.

[Leira]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

dress her up as a choir boy

[eNe]

The husband of the blonde dies in a tragic car accident.

At the funeral the blonde is crying out loud, and barely standing on her feet. Words can't express how upset she is. Her friends feel sorry for her, and try to ease her pain by trying to tell her that she shouldn't be so sad:

Oh sweetie, stop it already. Yes, we all feel sorry. But you are young. You are so beautiful. You will find someone better by tomorrow.

To which our broken-heart blonde replies with tears:

Yes I know I'll find someone by tomorrow. But what am I going to do tonight?

[eNe]

My girlfriend texted me: "Hey, there is noone in our home"

I rushed my way to her house, and there was no one indeed. :|

[TheEnigma]

Silly Jokes

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

I went to the zoo the other day but there weren't any animals there, except a small dog. It was a shitzu.

[The Joker]

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

And that, my children, was how 7-Up invented.

[I.Love.Gemma.Ward]

Why did the Gay wasp go to the Dr?

Because his Arse was stinging!

****

Why did the Baker have Smelly hands?

Becase he Kneeded a poo!

****

Where do you find Giant Snails?

On the end of a Giants Fingers!!