The Jokes Thread

[KingSupra]

joke of the day time!

A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again.

The old man slowly looks at him and says, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

[Neo52285]

[[solo]]

Warning: R-Rated

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[Neo52285]

[KingSupra]

[Guest]

there was a joke in chilax. the joke was HOW LONG CAN U GUYS GO WITHOUT MASTERBATING?

[pmech]

How about mine: How long can you go without spelling every word in your post correct?

[KingSupra]

[KingSupra]

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?”

“About three knots,” says the hooker.

“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

[KingSupra]

i have found the answer to an age old question

A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.

The egg says, “Well, that settles that.”

[Cs2]

ahhahahaha how funny

[pmech]

For the 4th of July, George W. Bush decided to celebrate the Nations birthday, by giving out a condom to every person in the United States!

So he called up his pal in Canada Paul Martin, and on the phone the conversation went like this, in a very bragging tone

GW: "Hey Pauly, its George calling. I am in need of your help, I need 300 million condoms. And since I know you guys have the most condom factories, I knew you were the one that could help me out!"

PM: "Well ok, what do you want?"

GW: "I want them all to be Red White and Blue, and I need em all to be EXTRA EXTRA LARGE, because we are so big down here"

PM: "Alright George, I'll have em there next week"

So Paul Martin got right on it, and called the CEO of Canadian Condom Distribution and said

PM: "Hi, it's Paul Martin here. Yes, George Bush just gave us a 300 million unit order. He wants them to be red, white, and blue. And he wants him to be XXL"

CEO CCD: "Alright Mr. Priminister, anything else?"

PM: "Yes, I want you to put in bold on the package - MADE IN CANADA / SIZE: SMALL"

I got bored

[[solo]]

:trout:

[KingSupra]

George Bush trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.

The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and George replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.”

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which George says, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”

Bush, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”

[KingSupra]

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

[KingSupra]

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened.

On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked.

“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.

“Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

[[solo]]

bush bashing jokes are boring

[KingSupra]

ok then i guess no one likes my polictial jokes. i guess i'll avoid those next time. where's the humor in everyone

[Neo52285]

dude i love the bush bashing jokes very funny.

[KingSupra]

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.

“Hey,” he says, “if you’re going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?”

“My life’s been nothing but crap,” says the girl. “So I might as well.”

After the girl’s done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?”

The girl replies, “My family disowned me for dressing like a woman.”