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The Totally Spurious Victoria's Secret Thread

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There is now a place for serious discussions about VS and the VSFS and "Angels" and contracts.

THIS IS NOT IT!

Please post your less po-faced and blatantly unofficial stuff here. If you are privy to secret information from Ed Razek, or are Alessandra's special Facebook friend then maybe this isn't the place for you. This is a thread for ill-informed facts and ludicrous conjecture. You can make up your own "Angels" here - what the hell do we know anyway?!!

Everything has it's place - this isn't a critique on the "Official" thread. Maybe this is just where the other stuff ends up... :evil:

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ADRIANA'S GREAT VS COMEBACK SHOCKER

News has come in about the upcoming plans to celebrate "Greatest Ever VS Angel™" Adriana Lima's magnificent VS comeback.

According to sources, this year's VSFS is to be retitled The Adriana Lima '10 Comeback Special in celebration of the fact that last year, UNBELIEVABLY a whole VSFS went by without an appearance of the "chosen one" as she was busy giving birth in a manger in Bethlehem.

These same made-up sources state that Adriana, clad in black leather, will sing many of her greatest hits in a an intimate setting before returning to the runway with a specially designed backdrop, especially leaked to us:

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(Artists Impression)

Further details to follow.

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HEIDI OUTDOES HERSELF ON CATWALK

Supermodel AND mother (I mean like WOW - she does both???) Heidi Klum, managed to top even her own amazing antics from the '09 VSFS by actually giving birth on the runway this year.

Last year Heidi, 52, walked the famous VS runway half an hour after giving birth to her 10th son Doomand Klum. But the overachieving German was never one to shy away from a challenge, and this year decided to go one better by deciding to time her contractions to the precise moment of the opening of the 4th segment of the show for a spectacular finale.

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Clad in a red dress, Klum waved at the astonished crowd before laying on her back and popping out a new daughter to a chorus of applause. Then, in a flurry of doctors, midwives and stylists - the newest Klum was quickly dolled up in a specially designed Charlotte Stockdale tutu and headpiece and, like her model mum, took to the catwalk like a pro.

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After the show Heidi expressed her pride at her new daughter's debut, and some milk...

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KYLIE CLONE CONTROVERSY

Sightings are coming in of the rumoured Kylie clones for this year's VSFS. Sources stated some months ago that evil mastermind Ed Razek had funded a laboratory especially for creating several clones of the "Newest Angel" Kylie Bisutti in time for the October filming.

According to twisted genuis Razek; "EVERYONE loves Kylie. We asked America and America spoke. We had a 98% turnout for that damn vote, and 100% of them voted for Kylie. If there's one thing I know it's what the people want - and they want Kylie EVERYWHERE. I'm just doing my bit for America. I'm just being a patriot."

Reports suggest that the Kylie clones will model an entire segment of the show, titled KYLIE PLANET. "We had tried to just change Kylie really quickly 10 times backstage," said Razek's henchman Monica Mitro "but it soon became apparent that that wouldn't work. Ed rubbed his hands together evily and suggested clones - and we just ran with it..."

5 clones have been seen near the VS lab in Bumfuck, Idaho. They are all clearly based on Kylie, but each one has a subtle difference much like this famed multi-faceted model's many much-loved looks.

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"It will be a simpering spectacular," said one idiot. "I for one can't wait to see Kylie because that is what I've been told that I want."

Rumours that Australian Pop-Princess Kylie Minogue would be singing at this year's show have been denied. "No," said stooge Mitro "that's just our Kylie performing the musical number too. It's what America wants. What are you suggesting, that we're not doing what America wants?"

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LIMA DEMANDS BILLION DOLLAR BRA

Second-Coming supermodel and undisputed favourite of EVERYBODY, Adriana Lima, has told VS that her comeback won't happen unless she gets a BILLION dollar bra.

Apparently, these days, a million dollar bra isn't quite good enough. Last year, even VS no-hoper and deflated California raisin Marisa Miller had a million dollar bra - and for Lima that just won't cut it.

"I, like, wanna biggest big bra better than ever everybody else bra!" sputtered Lima incoherently from her golden throne yesterday. And what Lima wants, Lima gets. VS dogsbody and put-under Cinderella of lingerie Charlotte Stockdale was assigned to get the perfect ingredients that totalled a breast-shuddering BILLION dollar's worth of materials. "What people want in a recession is a hideous display of inconsequential and unnecessary tat on a bra" said Stockdale from her workshop hovel. "People love to see gaudy bling worth SO much money for 10 seconds on a stage when you can't really tell what is the BILLION dollar bra and what isn't..."

The bra will reputedly be made from the Turin Shroud, dragon's teeth, and Michael Jackson's silver glove. And we have a sneak peek here:

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SEAL TO PERFORM (AGAIN) AT VSFS

Wait! In a hitherto and totally unexpected moment of humour, sources from the VS camp have categorically stated that Seal will be performing at the show - but not that Seal...

Our made-up contacts have exclusively revealed that VS scouts have been travelling the length and breadth of somewhere to find the greatest singing seal EVER - that's Spanky, the all-clapping, all-balancing-a-ball-on-the-end-of-your-nose real-life SEAL!

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(seal singing, an hour ago)

"It totally adds to the circus atmosphere!" Said one flunky we gave a script to. "We've totally jumped-the-shark now."

We asked the 'other' Seal for a comment. But he was busy looking after his and Heidi Klum's nonuplets (yes, nine babies - Klum would NOT be outdone) and being mocked-up with a pacifier for this poorly done image:

sealdummy.jpg

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DEAN CAIN AND KYLE MACLACHLAN NOT AT VSFS

Disturbing news has reached us that your least-favourite Superman, Dean Cain was not in attendance at last night's VSFS. In a further piece of alarming bullshit it was added that once-popular actor Kyle Maclachlan also failed to turn up for a lacklustre appearance on the famed "Pink Carpet".

Has hell frozen over? You could always rely on these two has-beens to gurn and grimace for the paparazzi - talking some nonsense about "artistic integrity", before settling down to furtively watch girls half their age parade around in front of them in skimpy lingerie. "I love the wonderful design of the wrought-iron wings" said Cain unconvincingly, at the 2009 show.

Thankfully, all can be explained. Cain had to buy some emergency apples for his neighbour with Vitamin C defiency, whilst Maclachlan had to fill up a stranger's car with unleaded:

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However, could this be the end for the VSFS, which has faced a drop in audience popularity? Unconfirmed twaddle says that Michelle Trachtenburg was another no-show. And that bloke who's always there from CSI-Miami...

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KERR: ORLANDO BLOOM NAME SIMPLY "COINCIDENCE"

Yesterday, probably, VS jailbait favourite Miranda Kerr was forced to defend her company against the accusation that their newest fragrance Eau De Orlando Bloom was directly trading on her relationship with the Hollywood A-Lister.

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(Kerr, and some perfume in a shop somewhere once)

Journalists and photographers, and nasty jealous women quizzed the beauty about the distinct similarities regarding this perfume and it's resemblance to her boyfriend Orlando Bloom, star of such movies as Haven and The Calcium Kid. "I mean it's ridiculous," Ms. Kerr said in her cute Aussie accent "This great perfume, that smells of elves and something to do with pirates just happens to have the same name. Victoria's Secret is a wonderful company to work for and it would in no way use me in such a fashion."

The issue would not go away however, and further questions were asked when Kerr revealed the bottle's fantastic new design by some fancy glass-designer whose name I can't be bothered to make up. The assembled crowd gasped as it appeared to be an exact image of Mr. Bloom from one of his lesser known movies.

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(A bottle of Eau De Orlando Bloom)

"It's COMPLETE coincidence," Said the gorgeous model, flashing her spectacular dimples "Obviously 'bloom' refers to flowers, whilst 'Orlando' is a big place in Florida. I mean, duh!" Nevertheless rumours persist after recent controversial launches including I Heart Basketball, and Seal Sings Brilliant.

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VSFS: RIYADH - A FAILURE

Lingerie megalomaniac Ed Razek was forced to admit today that his gambit of hosting the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in Riyadh, the capital of Saudi Arabia had "backfired".

"It was a risk that didn't quite work out." the evil genius concluded in press-conference earlier, "We had hoped the change of location to the exotic Middle East would boost flagging ratings. But the massive differences from former shows proved too much for the viewing public."

Saudi officials had rejected the proposed musical guests of a Katy Perry and Lady Ga-Ga duet; instead opting for a minimalist approach of complete silence. Gone too were the star-studded celebrity audience - the nature of the show necessitating it being carried out in seclusion being locked doors. As befitting such a locale, the famed VS models all had to be covered from head-to-toe in burkas.

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(from left to right - Alessandra Ambrosio, Izabel Goulart, Abbey Lee Kershaw, Selita Ebanks and, I don't know maybe Emanuela..?)

One photographer was allowed in after, to take dazzling images like the one above(^) - but VS costume designer Charlotte Stockdale, and make-up artist Tom Pecheux left the show upset with the final result.

"I spent a full year designing those intricate outfits," moaned Stockdale "and I know Tom spent just as long creating a look unparalleled on any other fashion show in the world, ever!" The Saudis required all models taking part to be completely covered in the burka, rendering - some might say - all the crew's hard work slightly pointless...

"I just feel we kind of wasted our time," added Pecheux.

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HEIDI OUTDOES HERSELF ON CATWALK

Supermodel AND mother (I mean like WOW - she does both???) Heidi Klum, managed to top even her own amazing antics from the '09 VSFS by actually giving birth on the runway this year.

Last year Heidi, 52, walked the famous VS runway half an hour after giving birth to her 10th son Doomand Klum. But the overachieving German was never one to shy away from a challenge, and this year decided to go one better by deciding to time her contractions to the precise moment of the opening of the 4th segment of the show for a spectacular finale.

post-16964-0-1446084465-35572_thumb.jpg

Clad in a red dress, Klum waved at the astonished crowd before laying on her back and popping out a new daughter to a chorus of applause. Then, in a flurry of doctors, midwives and stylists - the newest Klum was quickly dolled up in a specially designed Charlotte Stockdale tutu and headpiece and, like her model mum, took to the catwalk like a pro.

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After the show Heidi expressed her pride at her new daughter's debut, and some milk...

bloody hell, baron... youkill me. Effing BRILLIANT :rofl: :rofl: :shifty:

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WHY BROOKLYN DECKER WILL NEVER BE AN ANGEL

Brooklyn Decker - looks good in very little? CHECK. Celebrity boyfriend? CHECK. You'd think perfect VS material, right? And although she's been a regular model in the catalogue, we can exclusively reveal why this bombshell will NEVER be made an official "Angel".

SHE HAS A TAIL!

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(Brooklyn's tail)

It's an open secret at VSHQ - and despite being the 21st Century, notorious circus-phobe Ed Razek refuses to put her on the roster.

"She has a tail. And I don't dig chicks with tails." Razek steadfastly put it when questioned yesterday. However, it's not a problem for her Tennis-Champ boyfriend Andy Roddick. "Andy loves tails," said a close friend of the couple "He had a pet bulldog called Fergie as a kid, and he said Brooklyn's tail reminds him of his dog's and those carefree days."

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(Roddick and Fergie in 1990'something or other)

Although freak-loving Roddick might be OK with it, photographer Russell James is on Razek's side. "Brooklyn is cute and all," said James, flicking his silly hair about "But that's a fucking vestigial tail and it gives me the heeby jeebies..."

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(A shoot, pre-photoshop)

"...It's all well and good shooting her, but then we have to spend all our time editing that tail. You've got to photoshop the shit out of that thing!"

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THE LIMANATI

Ever wondered why things get so quickly out of hand whenever you say a bad word about Adriana Lima? Ever thought about why it is that she gets multi-million contracts for everything she ever does whilst the other "Angels" scrabble about on the floor for her scraps? Why is it that we're told (continuously) the VS simply can't survive without her?

Well, we finally have the answer. She's an ALIEN!

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Adriana Lima is the High-Priestess of the LIMANATI. A sinister, shadowy group of the richest and most influential people on Earth who are preparing our planet for invasion by a shape-shifting race of giant lizards called Draconians. Lima is, infact, one of these shape-shifters, but we managed to get hold of these pictures of her true self!

Moderators, admin, bloggers and über-fans are ALL committed to maintaining the status-quo that we all love Adriana, and that she's our number 1, and "everybody's favourite" - in fear that she'll hear otherwise and wreak bloody vengeance with her Draconian cohorts.

Nobody is exactly sure of the purpose of her posing in lingerie for VS, but it's a well held conspiracy that she's been here for a few hundred years - and was even instrumental in the founding of the USA!

Along with others of her race, she had special plans for the new country in 1776 - and if you look hard enough you can actually see her on a $1 bill:

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▼▼▼

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Apparently it is mostly OK to criticize other models, as they're not giant shape-shifting lizards and therefore don't pose as much of a threat. But an Adriana Cult has sprung up in recent years to justify every spurious fact about her "power" and "money-making ability" - rendering it almost impossible to have a sensible conversation about it. Who knows how long even this post will survive before the LIMANATI come and withdraw it? LISTEN PEOPLE - the truth is out there!

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(Giant shape-shifting lizard, yesterday)

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