TV Quotes

Family Guy

Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.

Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)

oh great topic heidegger...the first one i actually like

Family Guy

Grinch: You think you have won, you think all is well but kiss my green ass I shall see you hell

"Guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do"

The Simpsons

Flanders' mother: We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas

Miss Vicky: I would've killed for tappa-tappa-tappa

Ned: Calm down, Neddilly-diddily-diddily-diddily-diddily

Dave Chapelle as Clayton Bigsby:

"Let's talk about Chinese people, with their kung-fu and all that silly ching chang chong talk, I can't understand yoooou, go back to your own country...white power"

"Condaleeza Rice sounds like a mexican dish. Maybe we should put her on a plane and send her to Mexico so the Mexicans will eat her...white power"

THE SIMPSONS

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.

Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

(also my fav simpson episode)

THE SIMPSONS

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?

Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

^^^^ LMAO

i love that scene...that seriously brightened up my day

i love the simpsons

THE SIMPSONS

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down."

haha great one!

on that same wavelength

millhouse: wow this is just like speed 2 but instead of a boat its a bus!

Cartman: Gentlemen, thank you for coming! This is the beginning of a great time in our lives! God has finally spoken to me, guys, and he has told me how I can make ten million dollars!

Kyle: How?!

Cartman: Boy-band!

Stan: Boy-band?!

Cartman: Boy-band!

Kyle: I'm not being in any faggy boy-band!

Cartman: THERE'S NOTHING FAGGY ABOUT TEN MILLION DOLLARS, ASSHOLE! THIS WAS A MESSAGE FROM GOD!

Stan: Dude, we don't have any musical talent!

Cartman: That didn't stop any of the other boy-bands, dumbass!

I luv cartman

damn...you could quote the Simpsons til time itself stops

u sure could

THE SIMPSONS

Milhouse: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy

Milhouse: Is this the untimely end of Milhouse?

Milhouse2: [pause] But Milhouse is my name!

Milhouse: But I thought I was the only one!

Milhouse2: [shakes head] A pain I know all too well.

Milhouse: So this is what it feels like...when doves cry.

more family guy:

Brian: Hola, me llamo es Brian ... Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.. uhhhh ...

Bellboy (Spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.

Brian: Oh, oh you speak English!

Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.

Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?

Bellboy (Spanish): Que?

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?

Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.

Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.

Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."

Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.

Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.

[Pause]

Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God.

the simpsons

Homer Simpson: Now what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?

Vendor at the World Trade Center: Mountain Dew or crab juice.

Homer Simpson: Blecch! :yuckky: Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice.

From Roseanne. An old but good show.

Dan: What a beautiful day - the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, "... before turning the gun on himself."

D.J.: Was I an accident?

Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.

D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?

Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.

D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?

Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.

Roseanne: Ya know Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more... fit in.

Kathy: And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I suppose to wonder around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?

Roseanne: Now you're getting it. Yeah. Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to THE OTHERS.

Kathy: What are you talking about?

Roseanne: Oh, we all use to be like you Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying... but now... we're the Lanford Wives.

Kathy: Goodbye, Roseanne.

Roseanne: Oh, it's useless to try and resist us Kathy, we already have Jerry - Jerry's one of us - Jerry joined the lodge.

Kathy: You're a sick woman Roseanne.

Roseanne: Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise Kathy. Just think about it... swap meets... bowling meets... bingo... double coupon week... casino night at the slaughter house. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.

Becky: Darlene you just shouldn't let sex rule your life

Darlene: You know, thats the same speech mom gave me. Except you left out the part "... or you'll end up like Becky".

Roseanne: [to DJ] Son, I'm going to punish you so hard that they'll throw a benefit concert for you.

simpsons

[after Milhouse moves out of town, Skinner and Willie are shocked to learn that Bart and Lisa have become best friends]

Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.

Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!

^

Simpsons

Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.

Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?