The Jokes Thread Pinned

The Brothel Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said

"New house, new madame."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said,

"New house, new madame, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

"New house, new madame, new whores, but the same clients! Hi Keith!"

That was a good one

haha yeah

whats the difference between tiger woods and santa?

santa only had 3 ho's

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25...

awesome

Friend told me this one:

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 5 years your job still sucks

^ I DONT GET IT cause im too innocent.

HAH, no im kidding,that's a good one!

What did one plate say to the other?

Lunch is on me.

Lame, but I love lame jokes.

lol lame ones are usually the funniest one, because their answer is so random it makes you laugh

Has anyone seen this one..

UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!

One evening a husband, thinking he was

being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps

we should start washing your clothes in

"Slim Fast". Maybe it would take a few

inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided

that she simply couldn't let such a

comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair

of underwear out of his drawer. '

What the heck is this?' he said to himself

as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he

shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom,

"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum

powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Has anyone seen this one..

UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!

One evening a husband, thinking he was

being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps

we should start washing your clothes in

"Slim Fast". Maybe it would take a few

inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided

that she simply couldn't let such a

comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair

of underwear out of his drawer. '

What the heck is this?' he said to himself

as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he

shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom,

"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum

powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

oh my

Thanks AZ!

copy&paste

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.

I've heard that one so many times it's sad. <_<

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

-Because they are all ugly and they stink.

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

-Because they are all ugly and they stink.

I find it infinitely disappointing that I actually laughed at that.

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

-Because they are all ugly and they stink.

I find it infinitely disappointing that I actually laughed at that.

Yeah, some of my jokes are quite tasteless. But I know you loved it.

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said,

Husband: I cannot possibly be the father of that revolting child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,

Husband: Have you been fooling around on me?

His wife confessed,

Wife: Not this time.