The Jokes Thread Pinned

how are you balls breaking?

Me thinks he was saying it for a laugh

oh ok, sorry but it no funny it hurt badly

ok getting back to jokes

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

thats great

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.

In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing.

The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.”

“OK, so what are you doing?” asked the officer.

“What does it look like?” John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?”

John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.”

“And how old are you?” the officer asked John.

“I’m 25,” John replied.

“And how old is she?” asked the officer.

John looked at his watch and said, “Well sir, in 12 minutes she’ll be 18.”

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,

“What kind of car ya’ got there sonny?”

The young man replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “ Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says,

“That’s a pretty nice car, all right — but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my word! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers with his dying breath, “Unhook…my…suspenders…from…your…side-view mirror.”

all those jokes were very funny

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

there was a monkey in a tree smoking joints.

a lizard comes walking by and says "hey, what are you doing up there?"

the monkey replies "smoking joints, why don't you come join me"

the lizard thinks what the hell and joins the monkey in the tree

they smoke a couple of joints and the lizard says "man i've got cottonmouth bad"

the monkey tells him to go down to the river and get a drink, so the lizard starts

climbing down, he is so messed up he falls in the river.

an alligator sees him fall in, picks him up on his snout and carries back to shore.

the alligator asks "whats wrong with you?"

the lizard tells him he was smoking joints with a monkey

the alligator says "a monkey smoking joints, i've got to see this"

so the alligator walks over to the tree, looks and says "hey, what are you doing up there?"

the monkey looks down and says "f**k dude, how much water did you drink?

joke of the day time!

A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again.

The old man slowly looks at him and says, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

Warning: R-Rated

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.