Football

Tell me you weren't there, Michael. Dear God tell me you weren't there.

Everybody!

Don't blame it on Seb Larsson
Don't blame it on Van Aanholt
Don't blame it on Mannone
Blame it on Vergini

He just can't, he just can't, he just can't control his feet (etc.)

Tell me you weren't there, Michael. Dear God tell me you weren't there.

 
Thankfully not, although I was watching online. Whether it's really worth trying to make sense of such a shellacking, or to reach a logical conclusion as to why we capitulated so horrendously, I'm not sure, suffice to say that it was absolutely appalling. Nothing short of total commitment will be acceptable to the fans on Saturday - we’ll find out during the game if Poyet and the players have learned from the defeat and are able to repair some of the damage, or if we have yet another long, hard season ahead of us. Fingers crossed that it's the former.

On the bright side, anything less than 8-0 will represent progress.

(to the tune of California Girls by the Beach Boys)

I wish they all could be Galatasa

I wish they all could be Galatasa

I wish they all could be Galatasaray. 

Real Marid FC Barcelona 3-1 Hala Madrid

Hala Madrid!!!

(to the tune of California Girls by the Beach Boys)

I wish they all could be Galatasa

I wish they all could be Galatasa

I wish they all could be Galatasaray. 

Too bad playing any vaguely well assembled German team leads to nothing but feckless defeat after feckless defeat! 

Birmingham 0-8 Bournemouth is admittedly quite hefty compensation.

Bottom three again.

Bottom three again.

Will Big Vito be offering a refund this week? 

A day late but Hala Madrid! Modric had 100% success rate in his passes, Marcelo was unbelievable. 

And I can't help but laugh the fact RVP was booked for celebrating his goal against Chelsea

Terribly lacklustre stuff from Barca in the Clasico. Since Pique seems to be the scapegoat of choice these days, I'm fully expecting him to 'do a Fabregas' and hotfoot it back to England in the near future. The midfield also looked worryingly sluggish, with Messi strangely subdued.

Will Big Vito be offering a refund this week?

After his latest clanger (although there was of course another 'Sunderland moment' during the game, courtesy of Wes Brown), I was thinking more along the lines of a refund on Vito from Arsene Wenger and Arsenal. Presumably Pantilimon now starts against Crystal Palace. Not that I'm really holding out much hope for that one, we've had about eight managers since the last time we won on a Monday night.

So we beat Hull in a resolutely perfunctory manner back in August, promptly received a load of undue excitable old media fart purely because Roy Keane makes for good copy, proceeded to inexplicably give Lambert a new four year contract and now haven't scored a single goal for two months. Imagine if we'd actually dared to score a goal, he'd have been given the full Pardew eight years! In summary, we're going down. Just like the sagging moobs of Darren "Fat Elvis" Bent. 

Allardyce out! Get shot of Pardew! Southampton in meltdown! Give Brendan the England job!

What a difference a few weeks makes in the press.

Allardyce out! Get shot of Pardew! Southampton in meltdown! Give Brendan the England job!

From the guys who brought you 'Roy Keane has instilled a winning mentality at Aston Villa' and 'Mario Balotelli is a gamble Brendan Rodgers simply had to take'. 

Champions of the low-budget Clasico! If we could just start scoring all our goals at the right end, we'd be in business.

How is BVB 16th in the Bundesliga yet ranked number 1 currently (tied with Real) in the Champions League? Do they just suddenly go into overdrive when they play football in Germany? 

How is BVB 16th in the Bundesliga yet ranked number 1 currently (tied with Real) in the Champions League? Do they just suddenly go into overdrive when they play football in Germany?

Well it should be noted that at least a few of the teams who've schooled us in the league are clearly superior to Galatasary and Anderlecht but the point certainly still stands. Domestically there's been a real lethargy at the beginning of games that's been alarming (think England at Wembley) but the individual errors have wracked up also. Pressure, confidence, complacency, motivation have all been plucked out as potential sources, all I know is having three teams standing off all trembly kneed at your very gaze, readily affording the kind of space your average well drilled Bundesliga side have long learnt to squeeze certainly helps carve out opportunities. Gladbach at the weekend will be another incredibly hard game, the kind we've lost in recent years, let alone during this terrible run.

We can get a robotic spacecraft to touch down on the surface of a comet moving at 30000mph, but we still can't get Jozy Altidore to kick a leather sphere into his opposition's net. Conspiracy?

We can get a robotic spacecraft to touch down on the surface of a comet moving at 30000mph, but we still can't get Jozy Altidore to kick a leather sphere into his opposition's net. Conspiracy?

For what little it's worth, I would not be in the least bit surprised if Big Jozy, Tony Hibbert and Yaya Sanogo each scored against us between now and May.