The Jokes Thread Pinned

How about mine: How long can you go without spelling every word in your post correct?

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?”

“About three knots,” says the hooker.

“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

i have found the answer to an age old question

A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.

The egg says, “Well, that settles that.”

ahhahahaha how funny

For the 4th of July, George W. Bush decided to celebrate the Nations birthday, by giving out a condom to every person in the United States!

So he called up his pal in Canada Paul Martin, and on the phone the conversation went like this, in a very bragging tone

GW: "Hey Pauly, its George calling. I am in need of your help, I need 300 million condoms. And since I know you guys have the most condom factories, I knew you were the one that could help me out!"

PM: "Well ok, what do you want?"

GW: "I want them all to be Red White and Blue, and I need em all to be EXTRA EXTRA LARGE, because we are so big down here"

PM: "Alright George, I'll have em there next week"

So Paul Martin got right on it, and called the CEO of Canadian Condom Distribution and said

PM: "Hi, it's Paul Martin here. Yes, George Bush just gave us a 300 million unit order. He wants them to be red, white, and blue. And he wants him to be XXL"

CEO CCD: "Alright Mr. Priminister, anything else?"

PM: "Yes, I want you to put in bold on the package - MADE IN CANADA / SIZE: SMALL"

I got bored

:trout:

George Bush trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.

The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and George replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.”

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which George says, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”

Bush, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened.

On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked.

“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.

“Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

bush bashing jokes are boring

ok then i guess no one likes my polictial jokes. i guess i'll avoid those next time. where's the humor in everyone

dude i love the bush bashing jokes very funny.

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.

“Hey,” he says, “if you’re going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?”

“My life’s been nothing but crap,” says the girl. “So I might as well.”

After the girl’s done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?”

The girl replies, “My family disowned me for dressing like a woman.”

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

From the jokes section of a Maxim

Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb

A: Just one, but it takes a surgical team to get it out.

A little boy asks Grandpa O'malley, "can i have five bucks to buy a guinea pig?"

"here" says the old man as he hands the boy a $10 bill " Go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead"

dude i love the bush bashing jokes very funny.

I find 'most all political jokes not really very funny. Of course if someone wants to post them I'm not going to stop them.