Football

I knew I'd seen Elmohamady's moves somewhere before...

Breathless final day in the Championship. Back to back relegations for our lovable friends at Wolves, not to mention the brilliantly attack minded, ultra sophisticated, gorgeously technical Peterborough. Hull are charmless but hard working, Watford are fairly suspicious but kinda fun; don't really like any of the teams in the play-offs but am fairly fascinated by the weird vibe around Leicester.

Not overly fussed by any of the teams near the top of the Championship, but I was half-pulling for Watford to get up automatically, for two reasons. The curiosity factor of them potentially going into the new season with a transfer embargo and only a dozen or so pros on the books, and because Hull's Paul McShane should be kept as far away from the Premier League as humanly possible.

I suppose that was a good point given the circumstances, but once again, we've shown ourselves to be absolutely incapable of doing anything the easy way. Regardless of how Wigan get on against a Michu-less Swansea tonight (for what it's worth, I'm fully expecting them to win), the Southampton game on Sunday is do or die. I'm thinking positive. Can't afford not to.

Stoke really could have done us a favour by putting Sunderland to the sword but of course they decided to dirge it out instead because that's the Stoke Way. Anxious home crowd with ten men and a goal behind, better sound the alarms! I hope Swansea win tonight for everyone's sake but I'm certain they won't. Hopefully Wigan's impending 45-0 FA Cup final defeat will put the genius of Roberto 'Guardiola' Martinez into much needed perspective and help usher them ever closer to their rightful home, with Manish and Steve Claridge.

Happy to be wrong!

"It's a battle that I will lose at some point," Whelan said. "It's a case of would Roberto choose to go to Everton or would he wait for one of the really big clubs?

^Dave Whelan, the gift that keeps on giving!

Happy to be wrong!

Same here. I dare say the whole of Wearside breathed a sigh of relief after that one. It's a rather sad state of affairs that arguably our biggest result of the season thus far was one we played no part in, but I'll take it. Fingers crossed now that we can get ourselves mathematically safe on Sunday with a minimum of fuss. Honestly, I'll be so pleased when this campaign is over and done with.

The first Man Utd game of the post-Fergie era is going to be absolutely bizarre. I hope someone signs him up for a bit of punditry now. As long as they provide subtitles.

Ferguson will be back to 'mind the shop' at some point in the very near future and we all know it.

And so it drags on, as we continue to limp towards the finish line in worryingly unconvincing fashion. Though I can hardly argue that we deserve to survive at Wigan or anyone else's expense, I'm hoping Arsenal can do the business on Tuesday night because we haven't a hope in hell of going to White Hart Lane and testing Spurs next week. Shame it has to be that way, but that's Sunderland for you.

I'll be in full on North London cockney cab driver/Hampshire day tripper/Mayfair tosspot mode for one night only tomorrow, supporting Arsene and the boys!

Step 1: farkin' 'ell Ramsey you're farkin' shit mate why don't we farkin' bring back Ray farkin' Parlour you farkin' disgrace. Wenger farkin' out.

Common sense prevails.

Common sense prevails.

Indeed. Wigan are basically the student who leaves their preparation for an exam until the last minute and then tries to cram it in by pulling all-nighters. This summer could be make or break for Martinez’s managerial career, he’d be mad not to move on while his stock is still high because a poor start to life in the Championship would without doubt tarnish his reputation. Granted, he’s been grossly overrated over the last few years, but give him a better team to work with, a decent defensive coach and some cash to spend and he could be pretty good.

Also, Ben Watson looks nowt like Prince Harry.

Wigan have won one in seven subsequent to winning back to back games at the end of March. Fair play for the FA Cup win and well earned it was too but enough's enough. Martinez should bite the hand offering him any route out of Dave Whelan's Werther's Originals soaked dungeon. .

11,000 replies in this thread. Pretty sweet.

Disaster for Benfica, eleven lovely trophies in ten years for clueless evil mad git Abramovich (© the English press) and credit to Rafa Benitez, who leaves Chelsea in far better shape than when he arrived. Given that Ivanovic's winning goal went in on the 92 minute mark, I'd be most interested to know the exact point when John Terry decided to change into his full kit and boots.

End of the road for David Beckham. Retirement seemingly contagious at the moment.

Also just heard Chris Waddle suggest that Beckham wouldn't make it onto a list of the top 1000 players of the last 40 years. You've been on too many nights out with Gazza, pal.

Wildly eventful Copa Del Rey final last night at the Bernabeu, Courtois's save towards the end was as good as any goal I've seen recently. I'm putting a fiver on Belgium to win the 2016 Euros as we speak.

A shame that the Bundesliga season had to end with a 'miraculous' Bayern recovery and a woeful team like Hoffenheim scabbing a win against Dortmund to avoid automatic relegation. I really hope they lose the play-off, they offer the league nothing.