The Jokes Thread Pinned

I love this thread, it always put me in a good mood

im glad to hear it fmg00. well here's another one for everyone

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

A Touching Story of Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly

smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up

the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from

the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the

bedroom, and with even greater effort inched himself down the stairs,

gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into

the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought

himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on

the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate

chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one

great final effort, he moved himself toward the table. His parched lips

parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost already in his mouth;

seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at

the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula

by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma`s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn`t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker`s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I`ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you`re drunk."

A Touching Story of Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly

smelled  the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up

the stairs.  He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from

the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the

bedroom, and with even greater effort inched himself down the stairs,

gripping the railing  with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into

the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought

himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on

the kitchen table, were literally  hundreds of his favorite chocolate

chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was  it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?  Mustering one

great final effort, he moved himself toward the table.  His parched lips

parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost already in his mouth;

seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at

the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula

by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

hahaha

i have a riddle... i guess that isnt a joke..

You should start a riddle thread like we had in chilax, its always fun

I liked the part about the seamen.

omb you have funny remarks to everything...

That's because i steal them from other people...

They'll never know!!!

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.” Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.

“I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.”

“But I need a good lover too,” she replies.

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

A married couple decided to spend the night of their 20th anniversary alone, with the husband planning a special night for his wife of many years.

When the big night arrived, he surprised his lady with a beautiful limo for the evening. Inside the limo were chocolate-dipped strawberries, champagne, and tickets to a show.

After the show, the husband took his wife to an expensive restaurant, where they enjoyed a wonderful meal.

At the end of the evening, they journeyed home, and to the wife’s delight, her husband brought out a small, wrapped box and gave it to her.

She gasped and tore into the wrapping. Inside the box were two perfectly round aspirins.

“I don’t have a headache” she stated.

The husband smiled. “Gotcha!”

I don't get it