The Jokes Thread Pinned

ahhahah

Whats the difference between a stoner and a drunk?

A drunk drives through a stop sign, a stoner waits for it to turn green

What do they use to get virgin wool?

Ugly sheep.

good job prankster.....brightened my day a bit...

Q: What do girls and rocks have in common?

A: Everyone skips the flat ones.

A guy decides that he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a small perch. “It doesn’t have any feet or legs,” the guy says aloud. “I wonder what happened to this bird?”

“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said!”

“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar. You can’t see it ’cause of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ...and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer.” The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the mailman...”

“What is it?” says the guy.

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer night-gown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asks the guy.

“Then the mailman came into the house, lifted up the night-gown and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.

“My God!” exclaimed the guy. “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the night-gown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down...”

The parrot pauses for a moment.

“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.

“I don’t know,” says the Parrot. “My dick got hard, and I fell off my perch.”

Worth the minute of reading.

Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Democracy: You have two cows. Government taxes force you to sell them in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

There's nothing said here about Monarchies

A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “Typewriter.”

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.”

The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won’t," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there’s still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I’m not f*cking going!"

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half-hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. “Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

An hour and a half later, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in—all except the late student, who continued writing. A half-hour later, the student approached the professor, who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already submitted.

“No, you don’t. I’m not going to accept this. It’s late.”

The student looked incredulous and angry, demanding, “Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t,” replied the professor.

"Do you know who I am?!” the student asked again, forcefully.

“No, and I don’t care,” replied the professor with an air of pomposity.

“Good,” replied the student, who promptly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

ahahahah