The Jokes Thread Pinned

Q: How do you turn a fox into and elephant?

A: Marry it.

An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she’s ever cheated on him.

“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”

“What?” yells the man. “When?”

“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”

“The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”

“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.

“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”

oh snap!

thats wrong, horrible. I love the dam response tho, those dam beavers! building dams on my dam property! How dare they!

George, Laura, and Jenna Bush are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a thousand-dollar bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Jenna says, "Of course then, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make one hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy."

George, Laura, and Jenna Bush are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a thousand-dollar bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Jenna says, "Of course then, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make one hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy."

i head this joke except it had bush, nadar and kerry, and it was told by a democrat. and it ended with kerry throwing bush out of the plane, and didnt have the 100 $10 bills part.

either way its good, bc i dont like bush(but the daughters are bad)

I heard this from a kid at school...

A woman is shopping at a market and she has 1% milk... Some chocolate chip cookies... and a bag of apples in her cart...

A man comes up to her and looks at her and the cart and says "Hey you must be single"

The women says "How could you possibly no that?"

The man responds "Because your f****** ugly"...

thats bad, yet at the same time, awesome

those were funyn as hell

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have

never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into

bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel

like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me

to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look

by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in

the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with

her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big

unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on

several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to

take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to

compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We

went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond

earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was

one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because

she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play

tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel

like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're

just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy

your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she

was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and

not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

funny shit maddog

nice one maddog

damn that is funny

Nice one!

haven't done this i a while but here it goes

A guy enters confessional and says to the priest, "I had an affair

good one king