The Jokes Thread Pinned

-> my signature

well...I was in niteroi (brasil) with my family and a few friends.

we went to an art museum and there was an elevator we wanted to use. there was not enough room for everybody so my mother and a friend could not go in. then they waved their hands and we waved our hands back.

time passed and my mother opened the door from the outside and she & my friend were laughing and we didn't know why....

then they told us that we already had been downstairs

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

One day, a French spy received a coded message from an American spy claiming it came directly from President Bush. It read: S370HSSV-0773H.

The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his boss at the agency. His boss was stumped too, so he sent it to the Russians for decoding.

The Russians couldn

Q: What do you say when a drummer is at the door?

A: He doesn't know when to come in.

Okay My joke!

A man and his wife and their nine kids were on their way out when their car broke down, seeing as there was no way to get a hold of a mechanic they all decided to take the bus, so trucking down to the bus stop they all waited for the bus to pull up. While they waited a blind man sat down on the bench next to the family, when the bus finally pulled up it was full and there was only enough room from the mother and the nine kids, so being the nice husband he was he let his wife and the kids get on. After the bus pulled off the husband decided he would walk withthe blind man to their destination, after a while the clicking of the man's cane started to irritate him, so the man stopped walking and turned to the blind man and said "Why don't you put a rubber at the end of that stick?" and the blind man replied "Well if you would have put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick we wouldn't be walking so shut the hell up."

haha

that's funny sweetpea

A man walks into a lingerie store to buy a bra for his wife.

I GET IT!!! LOL that's funny!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

hehehe...

A man worked at a sasuage making factory which he was proud of he thought it was the best thing in the world and one day hoped to give it to his son when he got old. But his son who was a pompos jerk made it hard for his father and by giving him snide remarks as they walked through the factory the father showed him the different places that he thought were great in the factory only to get another snide remark by his son, and this infuriated him because his son was so ungrateful. As they came to the sausage maker the father beamed with pride and turned to his son and said "Have you ever seen a machine that you put in a pig and out comes sausage?" The son just scoffed and replied "Well have you ever seen a machine that you put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" And smiled in a annoying way which just made his father burn up inside and the father just replied with a smile "Yes your mother."

burn

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I

LMAO!!!!

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies

and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is

about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard.

"That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from

the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool

of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

A blonde decides to go icefishing so she heads out early one morning, sets her equipment up on the ice, and begins to drill a hole. She then hears a voice from above that says, "There

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to take a Breathalyzer test.

I can

burn

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to take a Breathalyzer test.

I can

A bus stops and two Italian men get on as they sat down they engaged in a very animated conversation the lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following.:

"Emma come first, den I come, two asses come, den I come once-a-more two asses they come together again, den I come again, den I pee twice, then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed sex obsessed swine" Retorted the lady "in this country we don't speak in public about our sex lives."

"Hey coola down lady." Said the man. "Who was talkin abouta sex I was justa teachin my friend how to spelle Mississippi"

hehe