The Jokes Thread Pinned

I used to tease my girlfriend for being so bad at driving. She was really, really bad. She only passed the test because she wore very very very very provocative shorts. So to prove her driving competence to me, she used to give me these pieces of paper that she said were complimenting her on her driving. So you know what they said?

"Parking fine"

An elderly couple toddled into the local Mcdonalds and ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully sat and watched. The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other customers began to notice. Finally one helpful person offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected with the explanation, "We share everything." Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share everything." After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while, one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, "Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?" The reply: "The teeth."

Phone Repair

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her

telephone failed to ring when her friends called-and that on the few

occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the

phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this

psychic dog .... or the senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby

telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's

house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the

telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel

chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone

number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then

urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to

ring.

Which all goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and

moaning.

that's top stuff (Y)

It

(Y)

Damn thats a good one.....

There was a married couple with a young child who was just learning to talk. The couple didn't want their child learning filthy words so they decided they would have to come up with code-words for when they were feeling rather randy. Instead of saying "I'm horny, let's fuck" they decided to use the words "Washing machine".

One night the husband was feeling quite in the mood for love, so he turned to his wife and said "Darling...Washing machine?!". She replied, "Not now, I'm too tired". A little dejected, the man tried again 10 minutes later..."Sweetie, Washing machine". "No", she said, "I have a headache". Half an hour later the woman woke up and was feeling a little aroused herself, so she decided to grab the bull by the horns [no pun intended] and turned to her husband and said "Okay, Washing machine". To which the husband replied, "It's okay, it was a small load, I did it by hand."

ha

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

I was walking across a bridge one day,

and I saw a man standing on the edge,

about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or

Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you

Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

One day, when a lawyer came back from the court in his way home (in his limo), he passed by a man who was eating grass. Interested, the lawyer opens his car window and asks:

- Why are you eating grass, my good man?

The man looks at the lawyer, with grass in his mouth. He swallows it, and answers:

- Well, you see, I am really poor. I have no house, no family, no clothes, no job, no money, no education, no food, no apartment, no nothing. I have to eat grass to survive.

The lawyer hears all this and says:

- That is indeed a dreadful story. Why don't you come home with me?

The man looks at the lawyer with such a happy look. He gets full pleased with joy, enters the car and thanks the lawyer very much (maybe a lil' too much...).

On the way home, the lawyers decides to say:

- You'll love it there. In my house, the grass is about 4 foot tall!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Loving the jokes Heid

Yo mommas so fat, she looks like a busted can of biscuits.

Yo mommas so fat, she looks like a busted can of biscuits.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

There's a "yo momma" thread here.

There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.

Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.

The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate. The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast. Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. One day, the woman realised that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually.

It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?" The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"

Aussie blokes wife is getting ready to go out for dinner with him, she tries on a dress and asks him "does my a*ss look fat in this" He said "it looks like a 4 burner barbecue", she looks at him in disgust but they go out for tea, get sozzled and when they get home he slaps her on the bum and asks her if she wants to shag, so she says "I'm not firing up a 4 burner BBQ for half a sausage!!"