Cult Icon
2585 replies · 37605 views
Sometimes people simply can’t find it within themselves to forgive each other. But I have learned a few emotional strategies for approaching forgiveness in particularly difficult situations that have helped others.
The first strategy turns on accepting that we’re just human. And that means we screw up from time to time (some of us more often than others). Most of the time when people are nasty, mean-spirited, or greedy they are acting out their own pain.
As a physician I have seen the devastating effects that physical pain can have on people’s lives. Acute pain, at least, sometimes protects us. We instantly remove our hand from a hot stove and remember to check before putting it there again. In contrast, chronic pain has no biological purpose. It can make proud, productive people feel useless and isolated. Whether it is daily migraines or relentless back pain, physical suffering captures a person’s attention and doesn’t let go. When you hurt, that’s all you know. It leaves no room to enjoy life. Pain turns people inward and distorts their perceptions."
The same is true of emotional pain. A wound need not be severe for it to influence your relationships, your emotions, and your ability to enjoy a social life. In my clinical experience with patients I’ve found that many people harbor emotional stones that are far larger than would fit in a shoe.People don’t show us their pain; in fact, they try to hide it. What we see is their behavior. When a person’s behavior is out of bounds, we can easily and understandably think of him or her as callous or cruel, but their behaviors are often dysfunctional adaptations to their psychological or emotional pain. More often than not, the people who have hurt us have acted out of their own insecurity and reflexive sense of defensiveness."
"The image of a journey from one bank of a river to the other appears often in Buddhist literature as a symbol of the transition from the state of ignorance and illusion to that of enlightenment."
"Hogyokn (Hijikata Saizo) was an officer in the army that was defeated by the imperial forces dun:°g the Meiji Restoration. He retreated with the remnants ofh1s army to the island of Hokkaido in the north. There, mounted on a horse and with sword drawn, he sallied forth ahead of his soldiers into a lost battle against the emperor's forces. He was wounded by an enemy bullet and fell from his horse. Two of his close friends carried him to a shack in a grove of pine trees, and there he died in the arms of his companions. When they took the uniform off his body, they found, pressed against his back, the bloodied scroll of paper on which his death poem was written. Nazuna is an herb eaten on the seventh day of the new year."
His death poem:
"Quick sounds
of chopping echo
New Year's herbs."
the quasi-fictional Lord from the "Last Samurai also has his own death poem. The first one seems to have been more appropriate:
The perfect blossom is a rare thing
You could spend your life looking for one
And it would not be a wasted life
Most people say a good death is timely. But this is not a word we all define the same way. At what age is it time to die? We assume that a good life must be a long life. But I have seen some really bad long lives, and known happy, fulfilled people who lived fairly short ones. The quality of a life doesn’t depend on its length; we aren’t promised anything when we get here."
"
Of such a time as this
the proverb speaks:
this, too, shall pass.
"lvfi!jo refers to transcience and is a central principle in Buddhist teaching: the world of appearances lacks permanent substance, and all that one sees passes away as it comes, disappearing into nothingness."
Autumn Winds:
having sworn to save all souls,
I am at peace.
"Hiraki chikai, "wide vow," refers to the oath of a bodhisattva, one who strives to enlighten and redeem not only himself, but all men. In the Mahayana tradition, the oath means that the believer unites his aspiration to the world of the absolute with action in this world."
My life
was lunacy
until this moonlit night.
"Tsuku means both "to talk" (when it accompanies a word such as tawagoto, gibberish) and "moon" (in classical Japanese)."
Maybe your vision of a good death is Grandpa at home in bed, surrounded by his loving family, whispering “I love you” to each person in turn. (One of my favorite cartoons shows a scene like this, and the person in bed is saying, “These are my last words. No,wait—these are my last words. No, wait . . .”) Such a death is uncommon. People dying slowly of a chronic illness also die suddenly from such things as a seizure or hemorrhage, and if they don’t, they are likely not talking. Almost everyone who dies slowly from illness or age is unconscious in the last hours or days—or at least silent. Is a dying person who appears to be unconscious in the same state as a person who has fainted? Or a person who is sleeping?
Whatever the state is, many people are not responsive when they die. Their eyes are closed or even fixed; they don’t seem to be aware of others. They are quiet, and so we call it peaceful, but how do we know? A person who does not seem to be awake may be conscious in a way we don’t grasp. They may be paying very close attention to what is happening right now. They may be whispering “I love you” in a voice you cannot hear. I don’t know. No one knows. Maybe, like a lot of people, you imagine that the best death is the one that steals upon us in our sleep. That seems sudden to me."
It is wrong to think that people need to feel forgiveness in order to give forgiveness. Forgiveness is actually about emotional economics. It’s about a onetime cost that you pay to clear up years of compounded emotional pain. It’s like taking a onetime loss in financial investments. Refusing to forgive means accepting the cost of the hurts inflicted on you compounded a thousand times. And it means carrying them forever as they accrue in negative emotional energy.
Refusing to forgive is a decision to remain in debt. If I give you 10 dollars and you don’t pay it back, I can carry the debt and be reminded of it every month and every time I see you, or I can take on the cost by forgiving that debt once and for all. Emotional debts are like this. Avi had already paid enough for the things Simon
had done to him. He didn’t need to keep on paying for the rest of his life.
Avi was still unconvinced, but he recognized that he had wasted enough time allowing his feelings to rule his life. It was time for him to make a cold, calculated decision that would release him from the bondage of hatred toward his father. Even if his father didn’t deserve forgiveness, Avi did. His father was going to die. Avi was the one who would carry the animosity and resentment in the years to come. He had carried them long enough."
"Lynne acknowledged that “I love you” would not be the easiest three words for Avi to say to his father, but she also pointed out that if his need for his father’s love wasn’t so strong, the lack of it wouldn’t be causing Avi so much pain. Lynne told Avi to try to connect with the good father he had never had and always wished for, and to tell that father, the one he had always wanted, that he loved him."
"
the Four Things had changed his whole life. In forgiving his father he found he’d become forgiving toward his children, his wife, and himself. And, he told her, he had realized that before he had managed to forgive Simon, he had been becoming the worst parts of his father to his own children.
Without knowing it, Avi had been perpetuating many of the traits—such as being quick to judge, overly critical, and rigid in his ways—that he despised in Simon.'
"As Avi forced himself to speak words of forgiveness and love to his father, a remarkable thing occurred; his own heart heard them, too. He felt the rage inside him dissolve. Suddenly, he sensed that he could feel deeply without worrying that he would lose control. He felt an exhilarating rush of well-being."
"in completing his relationship with Simon, Avi discovered that the damage had been ongoing. He had long been trapped in an emotionally toxic shell that he had made and only he could break. In the warm flood of well-being that accompanied saying the Four Things with his father Avi realized that enlightened self-interest is at the core of the wisdom of forgiveness."
"I myself am hot-blooded by temperament. I grew up reflexively raging at anyone who hurt me and holding a grudge. Righteous indignation can be seductive, and even addictive, but unresolved anger is toxic to your happiness and your relationships. Stories of people like Avi have challenged me over the years to let go of these self-destructive emotions. Opening my heart is a daily practice. It is not easy, but it is much more rewarding and healthy than carrying grudges."
“But what if I fail?” people ask. As long as you are clear and positive in your intentions, you have nothing to fear, and nothing to lose. Even if you forgive someone and he or she reacts in an utterly irrational way, you will discover that your good-faith efforts help you feel better about the relationship. You will be able to let go of negative feelings and feel at peace with yourself. By practicing forgiveness, you can milk the poison out of even the most venomous relationship."
to add to my growing list
-DR Tigers
-combat history of 653 and 654 heavy pzJ battalions
"
We die in breathtaking solitude. The value of a death doesn’t depend on what anyone else thinks about it. My death belongs only to me; its value is known only by me. Can our death fit our life? Can it reflect the way we have tried to live, wanted to live? Rather than glibly wishing for a “good death,” perhaps we are better off thinking of a “fitting death.”
Common definitions of a good death also presume that the dying person is accepting of his fate, preferably in a way clearly visible to others. In the government’s definition of this singular event, did you notice the unapologetic inclusion of others? Most definitions of a good death are social at the core, counting the experience of caregivers, family, and witnesses as part of the event. You may be fine, but if your uncle Phil or your nurse’s aide is unhappy—well, maybe we should fix that."
The confusion arises when people mix up the meaning of two words: forgiveness and reconciliation. With forgiveness, the only one involved is the forgiver, but with reconciliation, a certain reciprocity is indeed required. The injured and the injurer must have an intention to reconcile, which means that the victim agrees to give up his or her anger and need for revenge, while the perpetrator is relieved of his or her guilt by offering some sort of apology or amends. Both parties need to recognize that an injury occurred to one or both of them, and they should both have a desire to heal the wound and repair the relationship. The agreement to reconcile might include some sort of restitution or reparations.
When an estranged couple try to come back together in order to save their marriage, the work they do is more likely to be in the form of reconciliation than of forgiveness—even if one party has done something for which forgiveness is necessary in that instance. For the relationship to truly come back to a meaningful partnership, it usually requires the give and take that characterizes reconciliation rather than forgiveness. "
"“Your mind controls your mood. In fact, it is safe to say that you always have some thought (mind) before you feel something emotionally (mood). The thought might be so fast and seemingly ‘automatic’ that you don’t even see it or think you are thinking it but you are. The truth is that what you think determines what you feel—it’s a basic law of life.”"
A four pack on a vegan diet. Six pack on a "balanced" diet and now eight pack on high fat keto/sometimes carnivore. I was told by a doctor that an eight pack was genetically impossible for me.
On 5/2/2019 at 6:28 PM, Joe > Average said:A four pack on a vegan diet. Six pack on a "balanced" diet and now eight pack on high fat keto/sometimes carnivore. I was told by a doctor that an eight pack was genetically impossible for me.
You have better genes than my fat face/stomach tendencies...
I look decent now but not great. Even with decent attention to diet, 10 hours or so of walking a week and 4 hours of maintenance weight training I only have a flat stomach and not enough fat off my face. And I am a lightweight as well. The situation would be worse if I was heavier.
Keto is intolerable for me as I get brain fog from even a low carb diet. I have stuff to do!!
"The woman seems to see Robson’s behavior as dignified because all this desperation is taking place behind closed doors. Because she seems to be in control. How often do we read obituaries praising the deceased for their “brave battle” and “heroic fight,” for “never complaining,” for “remaining dignified throughout her illness”? We value the stoic exterior; it spares the witnesses. Of course, a quiet demeanor may mask emotional distress; agitation may be a small wave over an ocean of calm. We like distress to stay hidden, to not make us uncomfortable. We want death to look nice as much as to feel nice. Do you have the urge to make death special? Transcendent, spiritual? Death is often a little messy; what happens then? Robson adds, “When I look at her, I see my dying reflected back to me, a shiny silvery object without form or function, an abyss of pity.” No emotion creates more distance between us than pity. We are human and sometimes we cry. Sometimes we lose our tempers, tremble with fear, puke, and wet our pants. This is life; this is death."
"Authenticity and intimacy go together; intimacy and loss go together. You can’t have one without the other. Knowing one’s self makes it possible to be seen by others, and makes it possible to see each other, however we are. Broken, vulnerable, afraid. Ready. Not ready."
"I still find Jill’s odd missing day reassuring. It was a practical demonstration of what remains when the brain takes a hike. We may somehow still be present when we can’t control our bodies or take care of ourselves or make decisions. Attitude leads us—attitude, and habits of mind. I want to meet death with curiosity and willingness. What do you want to do? Do you want to meet death with devotion, love, a sense of adventure, or do you want to rage against the failing light? Cultivate those qualities now. Master them. Then you will have a deep and not even conscious attitude—a mastered reaction set, as it were, that stays with you even when the mind is going. "
"Sometimes I think that the greatest achievement of modern culture is its brilliant selling of samsara and its barren distractions. Modern society seems to me a celebration of all the things that lead away from the truth, make truth hard to live for, and discourage people from even believing that it exists. "
And to think that all this springs from a civilization that claims to adore life, but actually starves it of any real meaning; that endlessly speaks of making people "happy," but in fact blocks their way to the source of real joy.
This modern samsara feeds off an anxiety and depression that it fosters and trains us all in, and carefully nurtures with a consumer machine that needs to keep us greedy to keep going. Samsara is highly organized, versatile, and sophisticated; it assaults us from every angle with its propaganda, and creates an almost impregnable environment of addiction around IMPERMANENCE"
he more we try to escape, the more we seem to fall into the traps it is so ingenious at setting for us. As the eighteenth-century Tibetan master Jikme Lingpa said: "Mesmerized by the sheer variety of perceptions, beings wander endlessly astray in samsara's vicious cycle."
Obsessed, then, with false hopes, dreams, and ambitions, which promise happiness but lead only to misery, we are like people crawling through an endless desert, dying of thirst. And all that this samsara holds out to us to drink is a cup of salt water, designed to make us even thirstier."
On 5/4/2019 at 11:39 PM, Cult Icon said:
You have better genes than my fat face/stomach tendencies...
I look decent now but not great. Even with decent attention to diet, 10 hours or so of walking a week and 4 hours of maintenance weight training I only have a flat stomach and not enough fat off my face. And I am a lightweight as well. The situation would be worse if I was heavier.
Keto is intolerable for me as I get brain fog from even a low carb diet. I have stuff to do!!
After trying everything, I've decided not to limit myself to a label. Everyone has to customize to their own genetics. For me, most food combinations give me intolerable indigestion, so I do generally separate my food groups for different meals. I definitely have to eat fruit alone. Salmon roe, fish and cow brains 
were the cure to my brain fog. Really organ meat is what took me to the next level in general. Grains don't agree with me either, but someone gave me some homemade sourdough bread that my body didn't mind.
On 5/6/2019 at 9:22 AM, Cult Icon said:"Sometimes I think that the greatest achievement of modern culture is its brilliant selling of samsara and its barren distractions. Modern society seems to me a celebration of all the things that lead away from the truth, make truth hard to live for, and discourage people from even believing that it exists. "
And to think that all this springs from a civilization that claims to adore life, but actually starves it of any real meaning; that endlessly speaks of making people "happy," but in fact blocks their way to the source of real joy.
This modern samsara feeds off an anxiety and depression that it fosters and trains us all in, and carefully nurtures with a consumer machine that needs to keep us greedy to keep going. Samsara is highly organized, versatile, and sophisticated; it assaults us from every angle with its propaganda, and creates an almost impregnable environment of addiction around IMPERMANENCE"
he more we try to escape, the more we seem to fall into the traps it is so ingenious at setting for us. As the eighteenth-century Tibetan master Jikme Lingpa said: "Mesmerized by the sheer variety of perceptions, beings wander endlessly astray in samsara's vicious cycle."
Obsessed, then, with false hopes, dreams, and ambitions, which promise happiness but lead only to misery, we are like people crawling through an endless desert, dying of thirst. And all that this samsara holds out to us to drink is a cup of salt water, designed to make us even thirstier."
Bread and circuses are enough for many. This is very interesting.
Don't you notice that there are particular moments when you are naturally moved to introspection? Work with them gently, for these are the moments when you can go through a powerful expe
rience, and your whole worldview can change quickly. These are the moments when former beliefs crumble on their own, and you can find yourself being transformed.
Contemplation on death will bring you a deepening sense of what we call "renunciation,"
The fruit of frequent and deep reflection on death will be that you will find yourself "emerging,"
often with a sense of disgust, from your habitual patterns. You will find yourself increasingly ready to let go of them, and in the end you will be able to free yourself from them as smoothly, the masters say, "as drawing a hair from a slab of butter."
This renunciation that you will come to has both sadness and joy in it: sadness because you realize the futility of your old ways, and joy because of the greater vision that begins to unfold when you are able to let go of them. This is no ordinary joy. It is a joy that gives birth to a new and profound strength, a confidence, an abiding inspiration that comes from the realization that you are not condemned to your habits, that you can indeed emerge from them, that you can change, and grow more and more free."