The Jokes Thread Pinned

A female cop is in the process of arresting a drunk man. She says "Sir, anything you say can, and will be, held against you".

He yells "TITTIES!!!"

A vampire goes into a bar, and orders a cup of hot water.

The bartender says "I thought you only drank blood".

The vampire pulls out a used tampon, and says "I'm making tea".

An old lady visits the dentist, sits in the chair, pulls her panties down, and lifts her legs.

The dentist says "Ma'am, I'm not a gynecologist".

She replies "I know. I just want you to get my husbands teeth out of there".

^ :|

brilliante

Sick vampire :x

I love blonde jokes... must be the fact that I am naturally blonde

I got this e-mail and thought it to be funny

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before

you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Another E-mail .... hahahaha

Only in America ....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, MOM

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

OMG

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

---

Well, that's it - my wife finally walked out on me this morning. Looks like I won't be having sex for a while - she took the dog with her.

---

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

---

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

OMG

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

---

Well, that's it - my wife finally walked out on me this morning. Looks like I won't be having sex for a while - she took the dog with her.

---

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

---

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

theres this lady. every week or so she sends her clothes to the laundry. every week she isin't happy with

the way her clothes come out. so she decides to send a note every time she sends her clothes that say's "use more soap on panties"

but still nothing so she keeps sending her clothes and note. one week she gets her clothes delivered to her she see's a note that says

" WE USE PLANTY SOAP USE MORE PAPER ON ASS".

^

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, MOM

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

theres this lady. every week or so she sends her clothes to the laundry. every week she isin't happy with

the way her clothes come out. so she decides to send a note every time she sends her clothes that say's "use more soap on panties"

but still nothing so she keeps sending her clothes and note. one week she gets her clothes delivered to her she see's a note that says

" WE USE PLANTY SOAP USE MORE PAPER ON ASS".

theres this lady. every week or so she sends her clothes to the laundry. every week she isin't happy with

the way her clothes come out. so she decides to send a note every time she sends her clothes that say's "use more soap on panties"

but still nothing so she keeps sending her clothes and note. one week she gets her clothes delivered to her she see's a note that says

" WE USE PLANTY SOAP USE MORE PAPER ON ASS".

theres this lady. every week or so she sends her clothes to the laundry. every week she isin't happy with

the way her clothes come out. so she decides to send a note every time she sends her clothes that say's "use more soap on panties"

but still nothing so she keeps sending her clothes and note. one week she gets her clothes delivered to her she see's a note that says

" WE USE PLANTY SOAP USE MORE PAPER ON ASS".

?

Those are nice Maddog

Here is the poopie list

Ghost Poopie

The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie

The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie

The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie

This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie

The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie

It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Poopie

The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie

The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie

Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie

The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie

That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)

The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie

The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie

It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Surprise Poopie

You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!

The Dangling Poopie

This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.

“Hey,” he says, “if you’re going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?”

“My life’s been nothing but crap,” says the girl. “So I might as well.”

After the girl’s done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?”

The girl replies, “My family disowned me for dressing like a woman.”