The Jokes Thread Pinned

My favorite Pick Up lines....not

Don't I know you from the bus

Wanna see a trick I learned in prison?

How much were your breasts?

Are you drunk or is that just a lazy eye?

My tool needs a shed

I'd like to park my corrective shoes underneath your bed

You think this is impressive now this coldsores just getting started

Mind if I hang out here 'til its safe back where I farted

'Scuse me for interuppting and I'm not trying to make a pass but you must be leaving the country if your packing that much ass

Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? Babe, I promise you it ain't 3.5 inches and it sure ain't floppy.

What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic

The night was young, the moon was high, we were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue, I knew just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine. I ran my finger down her spine.

I don't know how but I tried my best, as I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart. And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame, and all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever milking a cow! (And what were YOU thinking about?)

In a berry drawing competition who would win?

Ans: Drew Barrymore

kinda lame. but has a better effect when done verbally

The night was young, the moon was high, we were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue, I knew just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine. I ran my finger down her spine.

I don't know how but I tried my best, as I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart. And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame, and all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever milking a cow! (And what were YOU thinking about?)

MORE PLEASE

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I got this one in an e-mail...

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

^

Ohhh SNAP!

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

:| Az!

Check This Out

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan

Operator : Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can

speak to me. Who is this

Caller : I'm Sam Wan . And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now , Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree .

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ...

Caller: Oh .......God!!!

lol sillly but it makes you laugh

Check This Out

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan

Operator : Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can

speak to me. Who is this

Caller : I'm Sam Wan . And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now , Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree .

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ...

Caller: Oh .......God!!!

lol sillly but it makes you laugh

i hope u're not aiming it @ maQin' fun of Chinese people.

i hope u're not aiming it @ maQin' fun of Chinese people.

no i'm not i hate making fun of someone

OMG do u really think that i'm making fun of chinese :S ?!

i feel guilty right now .. it's just a funny topic that's all !!

i'm really really truly not making fun of someone

funny

i hope u're not aiming it @ maQin' fun of Chinese people.

no i'm not i hate making fun of someone

OMG do u really think that i'm making fun of chinese :S ?!

i feel guilty right now .. it's just a funny topic that's all !!

i'm really really truly not making fun of someone

i thinQ u are Sam Ting Wong!

i thinQ u are Sam Ting Wong!

i thinQ u are Sam Ting Wong!

u maQe fun of chinese ppl and u don't even know what that means.

chill!

read it liQe this...

sam = some